we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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