the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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