Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
