i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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