The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
