there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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