I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
