Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
