Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
