My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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