Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
