you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
