I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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