i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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