Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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