my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
