That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
