I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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