I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
