Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
