I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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