if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
How's work?
Spinning.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
