My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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