Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
