I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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