Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.