I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
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Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street