shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
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Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
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On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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