someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
