I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
