If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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