i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
