I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
They took my balls.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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