YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
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