Your mouth is God's brothel.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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