peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
