Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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