I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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