just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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