My liver just broke up with me...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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