I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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