i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
