I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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