I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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