so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
