Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
