dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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