Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
