I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize