Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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