I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
