I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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