I'm laying in your front yard are you home
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
