She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Randomize
