You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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