You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
